"In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." ~Matthew 5:16 (ESV)

Friday, October 24, 2008

No Rest for the Weary

For the second day in a row, I have a migraine. No idea what brought them on, but teaching while medicated has left me a bit impatient, and a lot of cute little kids have been doing homework because of it. Once again, I'm so tired I could cry, and once again, I can't sleep because my head feels like a watermelon being slowly crushed by an elephant.

The thoughts that come into my mind when I'm up with a migraine vary from poignant, to humorous, to downright disturbing. I think the pain medication loosens up a few valves in my brain too much, or something along that line. I guess I really shouldn't complain. Back in high school and college, I would often get six of these things in one week, so getting them a few times a month is nothing to whine about. There I go ending a sentence with a preposition again...see what lack of sleep does to a person? And who made that grammar rule anyway - as much as I love and celebrate grammar, I have always hated the "no ending a sentence in a preposition" rule.

Living alone gives one a lot of time to think. Being kept up all night by a ravaging migraine gives one even more time, although some of the thoughts are a bit less than sensible. For instance, the idea of curing my migraine by unscrewing my head with a can opener was far from logical. I think that one goes in the "disturbing" file. I probably should file all of the "head removal" schemes in that file, actually. Although, the way the pain keeps making my eyes tear up, the idea of using knitting needles to sever my spinal cord is starting to sound more and more attractive...(relax, everyone, it's just the pain talking).

Deep thoughts keep sneaking in here, too. Thoughts like what I want out of life, why certain things motivate me the way they do, and whether or not public opinion is sufficient reason to give up on a lifelong dream (I have concluded that it isn't). This time of year makes me reminisce a lot, and there's no time like a migraine for talking a waltz through an orchard of memories. In my case, that also includes several detours through murky swamps of memories, dark, haunted forests of memories, and even a few graveyards of memories. I could wind up pretty depressed from one of those journeys, but the power of Christ keeps showing me the glittering side of the coin. Through the agony of the blinding pain in my neck and head, I keep feeling this victorious surge of joy.

I looked at a picture earlier of me back in high school (that would be one of the swamps). It made me start reflecting on the different types of pain, which I guess is only natural in my state. I had pain then, too, only it was a darker, deeper kind. I had sleepless nights as well, and they were also because of the pain. I guess you can't come from where I came without going through at least a few years of bitterness so intense that it colors the way you view every moment of the day. Because of that, I was robbed of my teenage years and of what should have been such a carefree time. No, I'm not passing out blame to the people I went to school with; they are not to blame. One person, and one person alone is to blame. The girl I used to be is to blame. She made the decisions, she earned the consequences, and she chose to let bitterness fill every centimeter of her mind. I'm not her anymore, praise God.

I do regret that high school can never be a happy memory to relive, but I can rejoice at how far I've come, and that He has been there for every moment and with every step. I wish I had known as much about loving people then as I do now. I wish I could have seen my classmates through the eyes I have now. Maybe I would have been accepted. Maybe I could have...well, I guess we'll never know. I only hope that now I can spread enough happiness and sunlight to atone for the unhappiness that I spread in the past. "We can never go back to Manderly..." Du Maurier penned those words with regret, but I'm viewing them now with relief and gratitude.